“Prison of Dichotomy”
Wendy Balconi
Collage
i remember
smoke-filled summers.
falling from the treehouse.
the feel of pine needles beneath palms.
gorging on wild blackberries.
scampering up onto roofs to see the city skyline.
climbing every tree.
almost drowning in the local pool.
tie-dyed shirts, half-zip pants, too-big shoes.
seeing a bone come clear through skin.
hiding under the desk after every earthquake.
standing in front of my childhood mirror.
the night i spoke on the phone, shook, said i like like her.
the panic attack i had on the hardwood floor.
jumping from the rocks into the lake,
half-hoping i wouldn’t survive the fall.
the familiar scent of alyssum.
tiny hands imprinted on the sidewalk.
the fields of clover i lay in, dress clinging to skin in the rain.
scissors i hacked off my hair with.
the trail down to the creek, always overgrown with poison oak.
the rooms i very earnestly tried to die in.
the rusted x-acto knife in my top drawer, still hidden away.
the garden’s steady buzz of bees.
the parks i sneaked out to after dark: remillard, crescent.
the water-warped treehouse,
the steps nailed into the bark.
where i had my first time, bled, cried.
weeds i was paid to pull for two cents each.
the jar in the cabinet—honey to stir into my tea.
all those animal burials, the graveyard out back,
cats & dogs mostly bone now.
the hive in the neighbor’s garden, always bumbling with bees.
wondering how they found their way home.
do you feel confused about your sexual orientation?
to say yes seems too simple what i am
is foreign to my own feelings
& indecisive & gorged with want
begging for a trap door
to yank me into another dimension
if a girl flirted with you, what would your reaction be?
because i’m a growl girl & shy & awkward
my face would turn stovetop my hands
vibrating by my sides an urge
to reach out & pinch my arm to see
if i was dreaming
do you feel sexually attracted to girls?
how to define sexual attraction
but as pulsing nerves chest
sensation sharp as a whiff of jasmine
a perfume my favorite scent
do you have any fantasies or dreams of having sexual relations with a girl?
but will it sound gay to answer often
so much harder to control
unconscious thoughts
last night i dreamed a manicured hand
made its way up my skirt
it was so warm & so soft
have you touched yourself imagining it was a girl?
in a word yes i shut my eyes
breathe heavy picture that hand
another pulsing body beneath me
skin soft as a peach & as ripe
have you had sexual relations with a girl?
think back to the night in the bathroom
a girl & a growl two girls long after sundown
her hand on my thigh
my fingers threading through her hair
gusts of wind no breath
do you feel sexually aroused when being touched by a girl?
pulsing nerves chest
sharp as a whiff of jasmine
a familiar scent & sensation
like the creek running
through the forest i can almost reach out
& touch
Despy Boutris has been published in Copper Nickel, Guernica, Ploughshares, Crazyhorse, Agni, American Poetry Review, Gettysburg Review, and elsewhere. She lives in Los Angeles.